Strangers in Elevators
March 13, 2008, 6:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So, we recently moved offices and therefore my entire Building-Viddy relationship has changed.  See in the old building, it was understood that I took the stairs whenever I required some sort of cross-floor interaction: leaving the building, going to work, going to lunch, coming back from lunch, soaping someone’s car windows, and okay you get the idea.  The point was, this was my guaranteed daily exercise.  In our new office, I’ve been forced to take the elevator considering that we’re eight floors up and they lock the stair wells so that you can only exit on the first floor.  Lame.

So, from my brief time here I have had to deal with people actually working in the building (never saw anyone in the old building, well hardly anyone) in the elevators.  Something about that little box changes people and your perception of the world.  So, I’ve started to compile a list.  Just a warning this may be one of the more boring posts, because I’m not mad or tired.  I’m awake, rested, and sitting at the reception desk filling in for our receptionist.  Life couldn’t be better.

 Things I’ve noticed:

Vows of Silence – I don’t know when I took it, but the moment you enter an elevator, you somehow remember that you’ve taken a vow of silence not to talk while in there.  You can be talking with someone, chatting away, and then you walk through those sliding doors and shhhhhhhh when you see someone else is already there.  Whatever you were saying just doesn’t seem appropriate, and the awkwardness from you first date comes for a visit. 

2nd Floor Riders – I don’t know what happened to these people, but I think they wrong the rest of us in the universe when they take the elevator to the second floor.  There are exceptions: handicap, the elderly, and women that choose to wear high heels that not only make them look funny but seem like they’d tip over if you tapped them lightly on the shoulder (I’ve been informed for all of you men that don’t know, the secret to these high heels is that it makes the buttocks look better.  Somehow placing yourself in this awkward position causes the muscle and cellulite to reform in this perfect buttocks.  So, for those of us guys that don’t feel that society will accept us wearing these shoe accessories, no worries, there’s an alternative for you.  Work out.  I digress.  By the way, the high heeled thing explains the sashay{I know I didn’t spell that right} by the way, if you walked like a normal person you’d just tip over.  I digress once more ). 

Back to the second floor riders, I just feel wronged when they hit that button and you know they feel the same way as they reach to hit the number two, they look away in subtle disgust with themselves for having sinned knowingly. 

I also feel better than the people on the lower floors as if I have some greater right to this elevator than they.  In fact, I can’t wait to see what button they push when they get in.  5.  Five, are you kidding me, everyone knows 8 is more than 5.  You don’t even deserve half this elevator.  Only due to my magnanimous generocity that I let someone like a 5 ride in my elevator.  Don’t even get me started on 3’s, rotten scoundrels.

Perfumed Patrons (The Good, The Bad, and The Smelly)

The Bad – Some of the older women in the world feel it’s necessary that we recognize their presence.  As certain animals mark their territories with scents in a myriad of ways, these older women feel the need to ascert their deserved status by permeating the air with some mix of potpurri (know I didn’t spell that right either) and foundation make up (Guys, foundation is like spackle, it just kind of fills in the holes where time has done its damage to the drywall.)  Eitherway, in this airtight compartment, it’s mustard gas, that only gets relieved if slightly by their exit of the car.  For the rest of the The Bad, BO.  I’d say more, but we’re keeping it clean today.

The Good – Once in a while, we get lucky and have the opportunity to experience one of those good smells.  Takeout of many varieties leaves a nice little mouthwatering smell that we’ll all approve of in the elevator.  Nothing is also a very desired option.   Personally, I’ll stick with nothing.  I’d prefer to smell nothing in there, not even myself.

The Ugly – Let’s just say, the dicing of cheese should be left in the kitchen.

More to come…


2 Comments so far
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I am a firm believer in shushing when entering the elevator. Although I was somewhat cured at the mall on time… I know! but there was no escalator in sight!… when a little boy struck up the funniest conversation I’ve had in a long time in an elevator. I only wish I remembered what it was. If only we were all fearless like kids. They can smell like mud, pancakes, maple syrup, crayons, and yes, even like cheese and they’d still be cute. Yes, I just said that. They don’t care if they smell like rotten cheese. That’s the funny part! haha!

Also, I am the proud owner of multiple high heeled shoes and the reason I love them is not because of the reshaping of cellulite, but they elongate your legs which in turn makes your rear end look better! 🙂 haha! So there’s another tip into the girls mind.

Thanks for the laugh!

Comment by Sydney

So I thought of this post last week when I was at our DC office. At the end of the day I got on the elevator with some co-workers of mine. One of them was SUPER loud while talking to us and on her phone and I could feel the uncomfortable vibe coming from the man standing in front of all of us. I had to laugh.

Comment by Sydney

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