All My Ex’s Add Perspective
March 17, 2009, 4:34 am
Filed under: Dating, Life is Wierd | Tags: , ,

The last few months have brought a lot of reflection to my life as I survey the pocked marked wreckage that has been my dating career.  There’s been a whole lot of stuff that has gone on in actual relationships, perceived ones, and just the brief dates I’ve been on.  Cruising facebook has brought back some of these memories when I look over the different girls that I’ve dated, taken out, and felt the cool slap of rejection from.

Surprisingly, not one of them has found themselves living in shambles since I left.  In truth, most of them are doing quite well.  Not that I would want any misfortune for them.  Well, if they grew an extra eye or even a small wart, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.  Well…I guess that does seem a bit petty.  The most revealing is the quality of the relationship that I now hold with some of them or lack thereof in some cases.  99% of these have willingly added me as a friend on facebook which facilitates my stalking…um…er… checking up on them to see how they are.  That 1%, well, she’s still pretty ticked at me for what she felt was an emotional reversal that gave her the equivalent of dating whiplash.  Before I couldn’t understand, but now I can appreciate it… The perspective I’ve found changes with time.

Timing is the most important thing in life.  Good timing is the determining factor in whether you are the one person in the world who has ever really stepped and slipped on a banana peel.  Timing is the difference between getting hit by a car on a date and simply crossing your typical cross walk.  Timing is the difference between meeting a girl deep in a relationship or meeting her when she’s primed and ready.  For all of these, there’s no watch that you can wear on your wrist or shove in your pocket.  No timepiece that you can periodically pull out to see if you’re on schedule.  No alarm you can set so that to alert you its the very moment that  you should make your move when in a movie the music would be playing, your audience would be anticipating, and you’re sitting next to that girl that will change everything. Nada.

My determination…this all proves the accuracy of a time-tested quote, “Success is when preparation meets opportunity.”  So, taking and paraphrasing a line from Alma, “Whatcha doin’ now?”  What am I doing now to pull myself together for the very moment that she appears.  Am I my best self.  Do I know what it would take to get there?  The last thing, and this is the thing that I’ll close this post with and thus this tangent away from my attempt at a clever headline, is to be ready.  Am I ready for a relationship.  I find that as I look at my friends and ex-girlfriends with families and kids of their own.  I ask, am I ready for those things.  You don’t want to find yourself in the middle of a Talking Heads song wondering what happened to you.  If you’re blessed to enough to have those things: a spouse, kids, and a home (maybe a dog or a wheezy gerbil), you better darn well know how you got there. 



My Dating Resume
July 3, 2008, 6:31 pm
Filed under: Dating

Dating\'s HardSuccess and failure is something that goes hand in hand with anyone that’s attempted to date since now and since Anthony and Cleopatra.  Failure occurs for many  reasons, and like King Benjamin I’m not going to tell you all the ways that you might fail, because I’d hate to give you any ideas.  But in conversations with a friend the other day she shared with me how her professional success was holding her back in her dating efforts.  Apparently, we men can be a bit intimidated by women who break the “I want to be bake pies all day” stereotype that go out there and make something of themselves.  My next line was going to be, “while they make something of themsleves, before they get married.”  I only include it to point out that I’m not immune from such stereotypical sexiest pig type of thinking.  Let’s be honest, a woman’s career does not have to nor should it be expected to end when the first kid pops out of the womb.  The inbetween and hereafter are between Man and Woman and how they choose to go through life hand in hand. *Sigh, precious* 

The point, our successes and our failures play very heavily into how successful we are at dating.  You can be Johnny Six-Pack with abs that make washboards jealous, but if your chosen profession aside from staring in the mirror is dishwasher you’re looking for a sugar momma or a quick divorce.  Either way, the point is a lot of history and current occupation plays into dating.

My friend, the successful professional women, suggested that she might eventually turn to handing out resumes on her first dates to make clear from the beginning what her capabilities are and what she’s done in the past to get rid of possible concerns or inhibitions of the fella sitting across from her at the dating table.  If you think about it, handing that Dating C.V. over does shorten up a lot of the necessary conversation to find out the general dating questions we try and harvest from conversation during the first few dates.  A resume would let Mr. Schmo go back to his pad and look over the resume and sincerely consider if further interviews are warranted.

So the wheels in my head are turning and I thought I might churn out my own dating resume.   However, I’ll against the recommended resume format and go backwards.

Viddy S. Hunky

Preschool: Maryland

  • Offerred a chance to call a girl Hot Lips
  • Went on four playground dates a week
  • Voted by fellow cheese cracker eaters as the Head Cracker
  • Convicted for stealing one of the three little pig puppets when the teacher wasn’t listed

Elementary School:Chile and Maryland

  • Successfully escorted one girl to Back to the Future
  • Was slapped by a girl, but then subsenquent kissed on the cheek when I cried.
  • Followed Chilean fashions while living in the US, which meant incorporating short shorts into my wardrobe.
  • Discovered that baggy pants weren’t made baggy by the length of pants, but by the waist size.
  • Wore pants too long by two inches for two years.

Middle School: Virginia

  • Very Little Dating Occurred at this point.
  • Recieved first Bowl Cut after graduating the Eighth Grade.
  • Became a skilled Matballer, still wearing the short gym shorts btw
  • Maintained a 4.0 in being afraid of Girls

High School: Virginia

  • Went on first date, after which my date promptly threw up.
  • Took out one girl twice, who on both occasions decided to ditch me.
  • Discovered a fashion sense, and received the label “preppy”.
  • Began campaigning for Most Likely to Say Hi, my freshman year, and won my senior year.  Several restraining orders are no longer in place.
  • Escorted a sophomore to my Senior prom purely for the fact that she was cute, and no I can’t remember her name.
  • Once argued with my Junior Homecoming date while our two friends unbeknown to us made out in the back seat.
  • Worked four summers for my grandfather on his house.
  • First note recieved from a girl that liked me on the last day that I was in town before returning to VA.
  • Stalked by one girl for the first time.
  • Elected Senior Class Treasurer, but thwarted by my Chorus Teacher, was never allowed to attend meetings.
  • 2nd string Guard in Freshman and JV Football and JV wrestler for two years
  • 2nd in the District, and 4th in the Region Shotputter. 
  • Rid myself of the bowl cut and stuck with parting hair down the middle.
  • Rid of the down the middle part and stuck with the tossled hair look.
  • Graduated and almost hit by a flying mechanical fish during the graduation ceremony thrown by the Principal.

More to come…



Family Reunion 911
June 30, 2008, 9:46 pm
Filed under: Dating, Ramblings | Tags: ,

matchingFamily Reunions are among the many rites of passage in this life.  Birth, the First Date, the First Kiss, your Graduation, and attending a reunion in the latter end of your twenties.  At this point, your old enough that the perspective you had picking your nose at the kids table is extremely different from the one you hold sitting among the myriad of ages spanning your family relatives in someone’s backyard.  In some ways, in the very extended family reunions, it can be the preview of the many disparate life-paths before you.  From cousins with kids, grandparents with grandchildren, professionals in all shapes, and marriages of all sizes.  You look at these, knowing more of family background than the casual observer, you have some idea what it takes to get there and you have the opportunity to ask if you want to get there.

Another thought, Family Reunions for single upper twenty-somethings and greater are a lot like being a 3rd world country hanging out at the UN.  A lot of people with a lot of experience, more than willing to give you all the advice and the counsel on how you should be running your country (your dating life) more effectively than you are now.  Now let’s not forget these countries own civil wars, diplomatic debacles (never get to use that word), and changes in identity.  Let’s forget the fact that your world is a whole lot different.  Where relationships can live and die based upon a text, blog post, or facebook wall message.  Let’s forget, switching metaphors, the finding a spouse is nothing like taking a trip to the batting cages and waiting for your pitch until it comes.

In truth, the advice is more a sign of affection in the form of an emotional nuggie that reminds us of Uncle Ted from Bobby’s World grabbing Bobby and tousling his hair with his knuckles.  These emotional nuggies are appreciated, because it shows that your family does care and love you, otherwise an absence of these could mean they could care less if you reproduce.  However let’s look at some of the repeated quotes and break ’em down like a fraction.

“Are you sure you’re trying hard enough?” –No, I’m actually not.  I need to spend more time doing background checks on girls not just that I know, but one’s that have the potential to be in my immediate vicinity in the coming week.  That way, knowing their likes and dislikes, I can come prepared with an arsenal of conversation topics that we both may find each other as fasciniating as possible.

“Aren’t you maybe being just a little to picky?” –True, marriage is nothing like the tattoo that once you wed it to your body, your stuck with what it has to say, looks like, or makes you feel.  And its removal can be a slow, arduous, and painful process.

“You ought to go back to the ‘Y’, and find yourself a girl there.”–Five years and several hundreds of gas and restaurant dollars spent, I think we’ve established that that diamond mine’s run out for me.

“Where are you looking, maybe you’re not looking in the right places.”–True, Russia, Vietnam, and others have flourishing mail-order-bride programs whose resources I have yet to tap.  I should look there for sure.

“Maybe you need to lower your standards a bit?”–You’re right, I should lower my standards and then at that very moment someone will pop up and suddenly fit my requirements.  Then, on our wedding night as we get on board the plane to our honeymoon destination, I’ll be sure to whisper in her ear, “Man, if I hadn’t lowered my standards, I never would’ve met you.”

All in all, I’m really not bitter, I just find the advice funny now and then.  I am looking forward to marriage and I am, for the record, looking.  I also very much look forward to the day that when I get married, I get endowed with all this dating advice from on high about the right way to date that I may impart on you sorry bunch of twenty-five and up somebodies out there.



The Significant Other Buffet
April 4, 2008, 2:16 am
Filed under: Dating, Ramble | Tags: ,

Of late, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time around diapers. And by diapers I mean babies, and by babies I mean parents, and by parents I mean married people. By married people I mean friends who’ve gotten married, had babies, and bought diapers. So I’ve been spending a good deal around diapers lately.

At 26, I’ve seen a lot of my friends pass through these stages while I’ve chosen to remain single. And by chosen I mean, I’m that guy that everybody says is quite the guy (and I am) but for some reason hasn’t gotten married yet. Maybe it’s the mole on the back of my head (ew gross, i know, but it’s true, think of it as a tickle button). Maybe it’s my affinity for talking during movies or during tv shows or while the radio’s playing or while the radio’s off. Maybe it’s just me talking that drives people nuts. Or maybe it’s the go-to response that every single married person or any single person who thinks you should married,… “you’re just too picky.”

Right, I am too picky. Let’s consider the seriousness of the choice and the way people act when they say you’re too picky. When people say I’m too picky, I feel like I’m in a grocery store trying to pick out fruit. Then I get an image in my head of me walking around the ward pinching, poking, and mumbling to myself…”well this one isn’t ripe yet. Ahh, the Accountant’s must not be in season right now…” From what I hear, marriage is kind of an eternal option. So, being picky might be a good idea. I can barely decide who I want to hang out with on a Friday night let alone eternity.

And I don’t even know if I’m the best person to make that decision, up until the time that I moved back to VA, the list of choices in dating I’ve made has included two bi-polars, two people that refused to take prozac (for the record, I have nothing against people with depression. However, I do believe that if they’re prescribed meds, they should take them. I’ve got asthma, you don’t see me refusing my inhaler.), two candidates for Miss Cling-Wrap, and one foot mutilator (sound’s like there’s a story there, well, there is).

So, if I’m picky, imagine if I weren’t, I’d be dating ax murderer’s, reformed nose pickers, and britney impersonators or even just britney herself (I hear she’s on the market). It’s not like I can just walk up to just any blessed daughter of our heavenly father (almost rhymes) and say “will you”…and have it all work with me riding into the sunset on a Llama (sorry, allergic to horses). And there’s not Significant Other Buffet that I can just walk down the aisle and pick out the little traits that I want.

“Ooh, I’ll take some personality. Maybe some affection, well not too much, it’ll give me an upset stomach later….hmm, do I really want the crazy special?…”

There’s no such thing as the significant other buffet. BYU seemed like it was something close to that, but no matter where you are finding the right match is hard and I’ll give a shout out and congrats to Chris and his recent engagement to Jennie. They did it, but as they can attest it wasn’t an easy process.

If you ask me, you go to the buffet for fun but not to find something you really like. For the real thing, the real treat, you find this restaurant one day. Maybe it’s in the corner of the shopping mall you go all the time. Maybe, it’s in the middle of nowhere. Or maybe a friend of yours recommended it. The truth of the matter is, you’re investing memories, you don’t just do that any restaurant. You do it at the one that gives you the right mix of what’s important to you: food, ambience, staff, even the table linens. The same thing goes with mate seeking, you don’t settle for any person or an ok person. You go with the person that makes feel at your best and the person you with whom you want to make all your memories.



So, I like Chick Flicks…
February 17, 2008, 7:09 am
Filed under: Dating, Life is Wierd, Ramble, Ramblings | Tags: , , , , ,

Alright, I’ll admit it in front of everyone on this who happens to read this, well at least all five of you. I like chick flicks, always have. You could say that it’s was an imminent byproduct of having three sisters, also the reason why I know some playground hand slapping games. As a result, there is something of a hopeless romantic in me. While making confessions, I even own some of these chick flicks. My favorite belongs to How to Lose a Guy in 10 days which replaced My Best Friend’s Wedding. Something about Guy and Gal getting together aside from cleverly written obstacles and comical timing, that meet cute is what keeps me going after the many dating frustrations and faux pas(btw, meet cute, a reference from The Holiday)

I have discovered, however, some key elements that aren’t true in these films. Romantically that set me back a couple of steps, and have found the need to learn the truth. This same truth I’ve hammered out the kinds through many first dates, and very few thirds.

Love at the Speed of Light: Contrary to what many a film will try and tell you, love doesn’t appear in the morning and graduate into marriage by the end of the night. In fact, love rarely happens in a day. Sometimes it takes two.

Perfection doesn’t come in one form: No matter how much we’d like to think that one person should have the sum of all the qualities we think we would like. The more important thing is being around that person that makes us feel like the sum total of the qualities we’d like to be (kind of cheesy, but I think it’s true.)

Love only comes to perfectly witty people: Some of the most awkward people lack the clever repartee inherent in the gilmore girls and His Girl Friday (The first reference, I claim three sisters, the second, good taste). Clever conversation doesn’t always happen in meet cutes. In fact, very rarely does it happen, and since the writer’s strike, I haven’t had a clever thing to say to a girl. People just have to mesh.

When is a kiss about to happen? The music will tell ya.: Unfortunately, I ordered the soundtrack to my life, but I’ve been informed that the music comes when we get to heaven and are watching our lives on the ultimate HD Plasma Screen in the sky. If you want to know when to kiss, look at the eyes. If they want to kiss, look at the eyes, if you feel like those two peepers are boring into the back of your skull, but in a good way, then you’re in like pez at a candy shop.

More to come…If you’ve got any, leave a comment, I’ll add it.



Valentine’s Day Sucks, but don’t blame Feb 14th!
February 10, 2008, 2:18 am
Filed under: Dating, Ramble, Ramblings | Tags: ,

So, my single brothers and sisters, I’m here to tell you that Valentine’s Day is not inherently bad.  We all say we hate it, because we find the day as a reminder of everything that we don’t hold dear.  That is, we’re not holding anything at all and it just makes it sad.  Something about that day we all put such immense pressure for something to happen, and we often find it a failure.

In my long tenure in the dating business, I’ve never had a single successful  Valentine’s Day.  You’d think that with 364 days to prepare for this single day, I could lock down one date and one activity for the evening.  I mean this really has put my goal setting abilities to the test.  However, with a perfect record of failing I have to wonder why we have the holiday in the first place.  This should be called “couple’s spend too much money on things they’ll never get to use ever again day”  Let’s be honest, how many times during the rest of the year are you going to be able to use the bear with the heart sewn to his two arms.  How often am I going to use those valentine’s day socks?

Let’s go back to the day when everybody in the class got a valentine’s day, and you had to debate who got the Donatello or April valentine from the TMNT set.  Do I give it to Sara R or Jenny C?  I mean these decisions seemed so crucial to my romantic future at the age of 9.  As you can all tell, I failed miserably and do not find myself married to either Sara R or Jenny C.  In fact, I’m not even sure that I quite remember who either of them are.  So, if you all happen to know who these people are and have a current picture, please provide because I’m still in need of a date.

We might be better off calling it, “The day that everybody who’s bitter about dating, period, uses to be even more bitter…day…er”   more to follow…



You Should Give Up
January 17, 2008, 7:21 am
Filed under: Dating, Life is Wierd, Ramble, Ramblings | Tags:

That’s right you heard it here first.  I think you should give up.  Seriously, let’s hop in the car together and let’s go to MJ Designs and buy some white fabric.  Then we can sit and commiserate as we sew the flag together, and talk about how horrible our dating lives are.  Then we should go pick up a stick from Home Depot.  It wouldn’t be too much money, and then while we’re figuring out how to attach our anti-dating banner to this rod of despair we can keep talking about all the people we haven’t dated, all the people we haven’t kissed, and all the sweet dating/romantic ideas we never got to use.  Let’s keep talking about how everyone else always gets the object(s) of your affection, while we busily find a place from which we can proudly display our flag of surrender.  And by the time we all get done.  You’ll notice a great change has occurred within us.  Oh yes, a huge change.  You’ll notice that the hands on your watch have moved.  It’s change alright, but if we’re talking about you and me.  Well, I don’t know, let’s take stock of where we are.  Hmm…still single…yep…still lonely…yeppers still…have we succeeded in anything…YES!  We’ve kept the economy from going into recession by increasing our consumer spending.  Go us!

 So, I’m making fun of you and making fun of myself a bit.  See, everyday we encounter reasons to give up on dating and many of us have announced it to the world.  My metaphor seemed silly (I love metaphors, love ’em so much I could marry them, then I wouldn’t be single anymore), but its just as funny how much effort people go to announce that they’re giving up dating as making a flag to do the same thing.

People are not inherently dumb.  Dumb just happens to people.  You never know when it’ll hit you, but dumb happens.  Dumb happened to me the other night when I stuck my foot in my mouth showing someone that I hadn’t taken the time to learn their name.  Dumb happens when you stay up all night long to beat a friend’s COD4 score and you almost die from falling asleep at the wheel the next day.  Most of all, dumb happens in relationships.  Hormones have side affects that don’t come advertised on the side of the box, well, actually it does.  It’s just that it’s in the fine print next to where they’re made.  It says, “Engaging in romantic thought or the pursuit thereof can cause dumbness.  This dumbness may manifest itself in those around you, particularly those that for whom your showing interest.”  I promise that’s where it is, if you don’t believe me.  Well, consult an ophthalmologist.

The long and the short (I’d really like to know where that came from) of it is that no matter how hard we try dumb will happen in dating.  I once tried to break up with a girl, but felt so guilty about it at the same time that I kept apologizing and then made the classic breaking up promises.  See apparently when you break up with someone, you gain some kind of psychic ability to tell their future for them.  Here some classics, “You’ll find a person who can appreciate you.” or “I’m sure the next person will be the right one for you.”  or my favorite “You’re amazing.  Everything about you.  I just don’t deserve you.”  On that last one, I’ve gotten it before and I was almost ready to say, well, if you didn’t deserve it…can I get a refund.  I mean I was not pleased with the level of service I received.  Oh well.

If you’re still reading this, I congratulate you on your stamina.  Take a breath with me…in…out.  Ok, anyway, the point is in life you’ll get hit with dumb no matter what.  In dating, you’ll especially get hit with dumb like a bird letting loose while in flight with a little reminder of who owns the friendly skies.  The beautiful thing is we  have a choice of how we approach things.  We can say, well, we’ll never find someone.  Or.  We can say, well, I’m just gonna come back to the same place…or…We can realize that no one really cares if we say we’re going to give up.  We don’t need to announce it, nor do we need to wallow in it.  Giving up, isn’t the right way to approach things.  The right way to go,  is to get comfortable with how we’ve been dealt with life.  Acceptance of that leads to the ability to live with hope.  I think that may be the hardest thing.

Hope can choke us if we let it.  If we try so hard to make hope all that we live on with respect to terrestrial matters, we’ll always find disappointment.  However, if we seek out the best things like the good book says we’ll find the best gifts.  We don’t live on dreams, but we live with our dreams.  That way if life disappoints, we don’t go into a depression cycle, we just adjust course and tack a bit.  Always be ready to adjust.

I’m not sure if I’ve made any sense, but bed calls to me.